I Wish….

 

I wish that I had not been in a hurry for them to be more independent.

I wish that I had not been anxious for stroller days  and car seat days to be finished.

I wish that I had snuggled more.

I wish that I had known it was the last reading lesson he needed me to sound out the words before becoming a great independent reader. We still treasure reading together, but he isn’t dependent on me.

I wish that I had known it was the last time I was able to carry him around~ I would have carried him longer.

I wish that I had known it was the last time he could jump into my arms (and I could still catch him) off the side of the pool and we would have played all day.

I wish that I had not wasted away their years yearning for more children that our hearts so desired.

I wish that I had treasured the blessing of our sons more (when we had been told we would have none), instead of wondering why God did not entrust us with more.

I wish that I had been in better health and felt better so I could play with them more.

I wish that I had played all day and not let other things distract me.

I wish that I had not said “just another minute” so much.

I wish that I had dug in the dirt more and played tractors more with them.

I wish for the days when a kiss and hug fixed everything.

I wish that I had not let the weariness of those days get to me so much.

I wish that I had not been so fearful of the responsibility of raising my sons.

I wish that I had not been so fearful of their health and what “could” happen to them.

I wish that I had trusted the Lord more.

I wish I had spent more nights on my knees in prayer.

I wish for those toddler and preschool days again.

I wish I could learn to quit wishing and start treasuring and trusting more.

~~I have had a rough week. I have been under attack { it feels like} about the kind of mother I have been. I caved to the attack and felt like a failure.

I have looked back over the lives of our 11 and 9 year old sons. I can’t believe they are that old. Where did the time go and what did I do with it?  Have I done a good enough job?  It is almost as though I have been grieving that they are growing up. How silly is that?

God has blessed us with two precious sons and we are trying to do our best to intentionally raise them to be godly young men in this evil world.  What an awesome responsibility!

I want them to grow up and become men who change the world for God.  I see the evilness of the world and dread it for them. I know they are in the Hand of the One who created them and loves them far more than I ever can and I have to trust them to Him.

I love my sons so much, and wish I could have a redo for silly mothering things I have done or things I could have done.

When they were young, I was wishing for a little quiet just to go to the bathroom alone or sleep through the night just once.  Now that they are a little older and more independent, I find myself wishing for the days when they were young.

I realize I need to be grateful for the time we have had and memories we have made, rather than thinking of what was not or what could have been. Each day is a gift. We can either enjoy it or waste it away.

As we look back through their baby books and journals, we recall lots of fun memories:

• ~jumping in mud puddles
• ~picnics in the backyard or inside if raining
• ~making blanket tents in the den
• ~nature walks
• ~playing dress up, pretend sword fights, cowboys and Indians fun
• ~long walks around the farm
• ~playing for hours on the beach
• ~singing and dancing to kiddie tunes
• ~jumping on the bed (maybe not so good, but fun!)
• ~mommy-son dates
• ~reading the Bible and memorizing scripture
• ~seeing their understanding about God and learning of His great love by sending His Son to die for their sins, was ressurrected, and is preparing them a place in heaven
• ~excitement of learning when I was teaching them
• ~learning about rocks and collecting one everywhere we went. Now we have room full!
• ~learning about birds and making bird feeders
• ~playing in the snow
• ~making stove top popcorn and making smores
• ~little hands helping in the kitchen
• ~listening to the boys compose their own music and playing it for recital
• ~lots of laughter
• ~hide and seek
• ~hours spent in Grandpa and Grandma’s pool
• ~reading adventure stories that speak to our sons’ warrior hearts
• ~playing in the creek
• ~letting them play in the mud and get covered… what fun they had!
• ~hours at then park playing ball, running, and having fun
• ~fun vacations
• ~parties just to say I love you
• ~breakfast in bed
• ~pancakes in the shape of whatever holiday we are celebrating
• ~having a haven to rest from the world

Reading through journals and scrapbooks and remembering all of our fun times makes it easier to deal with times like these when I feel like a failure.  I want to be intentional about being thankful for what I have, memories we have made and the family God has blessed me with.  I want to keep my eyes on the One who made us a family and keep being faithful as I press on.

Every day is a gift from God!

Are you ever under attack about your mothering and doubting yourself?  How do you handle it?

Blessings!
Mary

Photo Credit

Linking Up with:  Weekend Whatever,  Feasting in Fellowship, Proverbs 31 Thursday, Hearts 4 Home, Natural Living, Deep Roots at Home ,The Better Mom, Growing Home, These Five of Mine plus Two, Far Above Rubies, Women Living Well, Time Warp Wife, Frugally Sustainable, The Straightened Path, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Prairie Homestead, Walk With Him Wednesdays